I'm Not the One You Want

It's Been Awhile

2009-03-08T06:01:00.003+02:00

Happy New Year 2009 everyone!

I haven't blogged for about 7 months... I'm starting to see the humor in my forgetfulness. :'D

A lot has happened during these past 7 months. I've experienced a lot of growing as a person. In less than a month I'll be 19 and lately I've been thinking about renting myself an apartment and moving out.
There's too much tension between my sister and I that soon it'll explode.
I wanna be far away when that happens.

I've also thought a lot about my education. I'm 3 years behind my peers (because I've suffered from chronic depression for the past 9 years), so education has been a very stressful subject for me to think about. Even now, writing this, is painful (because I still feel shame).
I almost let go of my dream(s), but now I'm slowly piecing them back together.

I love children and am musical, I was thinking about becoming a teacher. Since I'm bilingual by "birth" (English being my "2nd" language at the moment, but also learning a 3rd language at school and a 4th outside of school) I was thinking about mixing all of those together and becoming and maybe majoring as an English teacher.
One of my long time dreams is to teach in South-Korea, Japan or China.

Recently my interest in sign language has also returned. I've been thinking about it seriously, because there is a constant need for people who understand sign language (e.g. health care). I love learning different languages and learning to sign would be useful to me in other ways also.
I'd be able to read people by their body language and expressions better.
Body language is such an important key in communicating with others...

And then the last thing I want to talk about (which should have been the 1st, but that would've looked like gloating)!

After 1-2 years of being single, I've found myself a man... Or rather he found me. The only downside is that he lives in another country right now, so a long distance relationship is unavoidable. I'm so so picky when choosing my bfs, so I'm going to try and make our relationship work. He's Korean and loves Western music, cultures, languages etc. and I love Asian music and culture... The same, but mirrored.
True "East meets West".

I really really like him, but we're still getting to know each other (we've known each other for about 3-4 months now). Msn messenger is a blessing for both of us, but somedays we're just too busy to chat. I love his voice and Korean accent. I hope he doesn't lose it completely... Gah! I miss him so much. :(

But enough for now. I feel much better about my "educational status" now that I've posted it here. I don't know if anyone even reads my posts, but having it out in the open makes it easier for me to deal with it. I'm tired of feeling ashamed and I'm ready to move on with my life.

Web of Lies

2008-08-09T08:10:00.005+03:00

Lies are frustrating, aren't they?
They're more frustrating when the person lying to you is very close to you.

One of my closest friends has lied to me countless times and I'm so gullible that I always keep trusting her. From now on let's call her Wanda. It makes me angry and very resentful each time I hear another friend of mine telling me that Wanda had lied and done the opposite that she'd told me she'd done.
And it hurts me, because I'm so much older than her and I know how life works. The path she's on now will only hurt her more, but even though I've adviced her to be more careful and make some changes for the better, she's naive and stubborn.
But then again, it's her life.

What I can't stand is the fact that people have the need to lie even about simple things. I don't understand why they can't just tell the truth, even if the truth is horrible. It might be horrible at the time, but if it's told later, the consequences are greater and more terrifying.
I was taught as a very little girl, that I am not allowed to lie to my father because I'd get spanked. Years later I learned that if I told my mum the truth, instead of lying to her, then she'd reduce the punishment I got afterwards. And after the age of 12 I stopped lying all together, because I thought that if I didn't lie, then people would trust me and I'd have more friends.
And it's true, to a certain degree.

For the past week I've pondered on the fact that if I should start lying again. It's not so difficult to create a web of lies. The difficult part is remembering each lie, so as not to tangle yourself in your own web.
But going back to Wanda; she lies because of low self-esteem. She behaves in a manner that makes it very clear. But isn't it so that every person lies of that reason or because they want to gain something?
A friend of a friend's lies about everything. From here on let's call him Leo.
He's lied about his age, nationality, family history and even simple things as if he's just eaten something. He lies every day, because he want's to be popular.
In a way he has succeeded. Everyone's talking bad about him, so he's succeeded in making himself a popular gossip subject.

But who the hell wants to be chewed up and spit out like that? Isn't that such a horrible way to live ones life? To lie and get tangled in your own web and then have to lie again to get out of the mess. I think it's not worth the time and thus I don't do it myself.

I'm gonna end this rant with a few quotes I found in the net:

"One may sometimes tell a lie; but the grimace that accompanies it tells the truth".
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you".
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"The truth may hurt for a while, but a lie hurts forever".
- Unknown

My Life is Boring

2008-03-05T03:20:00.002+02:00

I've noticed that my life is actually really boring. I realized it just now, since I don't know what to write about!
Why did I even start this post? I started writing this post, because I remembered that I hadn't posted anything here for about a month. Well... It's nothing new, but seriously!
I'd like to be one of those bloggers who blog every day even if it's meaningless crap. But no.

Whatever.

SJHNIJFNsoijnfaeoinfweingiaenasksmfaie!!!!
I know that made no sense to you, but for me... it makes no sense either!
I'm just pissed that I have to wait for the letters to appear, like a mile away, when I write.
I'm like 3 sentences ahead of the appearing text! xD

It's actually kind of creepy!
I really need to get a job so that I can buy myself a new laptop. This ain't even funny anymore!
Now I'll just wait for the text to catch up to me, so that I know how much I've actually written wrong.... Omg. It felt weird watching my laptop delete 2 letters from a word and writing them again in the right order, seemingly by itself! xD

I got a job, btw! It's nothing fancy, since I still have school, but it's a start!
Maybe I'll be able to buy myself a new sucker of a laptop after all!

Happy Chinese New Year~~!!

2008-02-04T06:43:00.000+02:00

I'm typing that in the title, because I have a feeling that I'll forget it otherwise!

Gao~~ The last time I posted was ages ago! How can I forget I have a blog? ... For the 3rd time!
Aa~~ I might need to take vitamins or something to improve my memory, but I always forget.

Hmm... A lot of things have happened since the last time I posted anything here. I've made new friends and lost old ones. I've had rough days and better ones.
My writing style has also changed. It's become worse!
I thought it wasn't even possible, but now it's happened!

I hardly use English anymore, so my language skills are starting to diminish into nothing.
It's actually making me feel very sad...

I'm turning 18 this year and I went through an age crisis already. When you're little, you don't know how to think out your whole future. I was only able to think up till age 18. 2 months ago I had the age crisis and it was horrible! I thought I'd go crazy with all the worrying and stressing.But I didn't, so all is good!

One of my new friends wants me to dress up with her as ganguro (ガングロ) on Valentine's Day. Unfortunately I've never tried that fashion, so I have no clothes or other fitting accessories to accompany the look.And since I'm naturally so dark skinned and my hair is definitely not Asian, I could easily make myself look like a yamamba （ヤマンバ) instead.I'm not getting enough sleep during nights, so I might not even have to use so much black eyeliner. I already look like a panda anyway.
No. Not going for the yamamba look. But dressing up as ganguro might be fun. It's been a long time since I've worn a costume or changed styles. I'm not going to adapt the ganguro style, but it'll be my occasional costume.

But I gotta run now, since I've stayed up the whole night and I should go get ready for school.
Tests, tests, tests...
And I haven't even studied! Uh oh!!!

Harder, Better, Faster, STRONGER!

2007-08-27T20:20:00.000+03:00

I can smell Daft Punk in the air... Can you? No? Ohh... You bobbing your heads in time to Kanye West's Stronger? I know I am...

I've got Kanye's song in my mp3-player and I listen to it repeatedly, while I walk to school and back home.I love how he has Daft Punk's song playing in the background of the song. I love humming and singing it while I walk to school . It gives me strength to face a new day at school.
I'm not much aof a school person, but I know people go there for a good reason.

I bet you're scratching the back of your head, going : "Now why would she write a post about Kanye West? What the hell's going through her crazy mind now!?"

First of all, I'm not writing about Kanye. I'm writing about myself. :P
Secondly, there's a point to this.
There is!

.... At least there was while a was walking to school last Thursday! xD

Daft Punk's song, remixed into a more hiphop version by Kanye West, gives me power.
How? When I listen to the song, it repeats the main 4 words: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger.
Each time I hear the words I think:

I'm gonna work harder to achieve my goals.
I'm gonna do better at school.
I'm gonna become faster physically.
And I'm gonna become stronger mentally.

I'm gonna become a singer someday and I've taken a step towards that goal. I'm taking singing lessons again, and with a good teacher. She believes in my talent, so I guess it's time I let go of the past and started believing in myself too.
I'm also studying music theory and I'm in a band.The path of life is finally looking smoother for me. I wonder when it gets rocky again *knocks on wood*.

This post was very boring, but I wanted to write it anyway. As a reminder to myself.
Ohh... And my mum bought me and my sis these matching handbags! Very glamorous!
... Just had to say that before I end the post! xDDDDD

Childish Sibling Spats (CSS)

2007-07-06T22:59:00.001+03:00

Today, my sister and I had one.
A CSS.

It started from my sister coming into my room, when I was trying to finish a book. She just sat her butt down onto the chair I have in my room and started staring at me. When I didn't even glance her way, she said she was going out and that she'd need 1€. I asked her why she needed it and she replied that she wanted to buy a hamburger from McDonald's.
My sister owes me 8€ already, so I said no.

My sister had said that our mum should pay me back, but I told her she couldn't make mum pay her debt. I also told her from the very beginning that I wasn't lending any money to her.
Well... She tried to make me change my mind for about an hour (or so it seemed), but I'd made my decision. When she finally realized that, she changed her tactic.

"I'm going to change the password for the side of the computer that you use! It's my computer and I can do whatever I want with it!"

I don't know about you, but to my ears it sounded reeeaaally childish. But I got up from my bed, where I had been reading the book in total peace right before she came in, and walked the 5-8 steps it takes to reach her room. I told her to calm down and to not act so stupidly. When she didn't listen to my reasoning (I don't blame her. If she'd have talked to me like that, I wouldn't have stopped either! xD) I started pushing Backspace. She got pissed when I kept deleting the new password she tried to write and got really angry.

"I'm going to DELETE your side!!!"

At that point I was like "Nuh-uh. Oh no you won't" and shut down the computer from the large start button. Ooohh... That made her so furious!
So she reaches for her horse-whip (yes, my sister used to take riding lessons. She even owned a horse a few years ago).
Luckily it was jammed between her desk and the wall, and I managed to snatch it from her tugging hand. I told her to never hit me with it again and that it was unacceptable (for those who've never been whipped by a horse-whip, it hurts like a b****).

She realized that I had The Weapon. She made some calculations in her head, that probably didn't even register in her brain, and so did what all our forefathers did.
She threw my two thick 1,85kg dictionaries at me.

I should be given a medal for tolerating her behavior. I think EVERYONE, who has to tolerate an aggressive family member, should get a medal.

The CSS between my sister and I can turn dangerous, but they start off childish.
I wonder... When will they stop?

Oh... And in advance, before anyone comments about it, I know CSS also stands for a lot of different things. Please don't start reciting them to me... Okay?

Bad Blogger For Life

2007-07-01T03:56:00.000+03:00

I must be the worst blogger in the entire world...

1. I forget I have a blog.
2. My entries aren't interesting.
3. I think they're too long, most of the time.

... But this is how I am. I multitask daily and am totally displeased with myself. I should just kill my computer and spend my time doing sports, such as basketball, baseball, soccer, tennis, badminton... etc. I'd especially STILL want to start Tae Kwon Do, but I'm too scared to start it on my own and none of my friends want to or have the money to start with me.
That makes me feel a bit sad.

Or then I'd like to start Hip Hop. I love to dance, but my insecurities always stop me from dancing in front of other people. And I've never been to a disco/ club. Dancing would be nice.
I even recently started thinking about starting cheerleading, because one of my closest friends is one.
I just want to start some exercising hobby, so that I'd get more friends, stay off the computer, and get a better figure. I'm not fat or ugly, but I feel like my weight should be 5-10kg less. And thanks to my dad, I have big muscles, so I should train them aswell. Not become a bodybuilder *pukes in trash can*, but still have a sexy, lean body everyone now a days wants.

Uh huh. I know, the most interesting crap in the whole world... Just being my random self again.

Ooh! To change the subject from one to another, I'm totally loving Hua Er Yue Dui's Xi Shua Shua song. It gets me into such a good mood, that I just smile and sing along with the song. Ummm... My Chinese language proficiency is extremely poor, so I could be basically singing anything and I wouldn't notice the difference.

Here's the mv for Hua Er Yue Dui- Xi Shua Shua (花儿乐队--嘻唰唰).

Now you'll know what I'm talking about, or part of it.
Enjoy the catchy song! <3

I Forgot I Even Had a Blog... O_O

2007-05-12T04:56:00.000+03:00

Damn... I forgot all about this blog for a long time! xDDD

Now, reading my old posts... it feels funny. I don't remember all of those things anymore.
Good thing I wrote them down?
... I'm not sure either.

Anyway.
To update news (who no one cares about! xD)...
My bf dumbed me via e-mail.
Okay... You guys are probably looking at the screen like "wtf? since when did she get a bf?"
Well.. Remember the guy I called Mr. Right? (*hint* the Chinese guy *hint*

We ended up together none the less, but I guess long distance relationships just don't work. Bummer.
I really liked him a lot though... I had this notebook, where I scribbled down every text and e-mail message he sent me. It's not even half full, but I've been too busy/lazy to write everything down yet.
It was sweet while it lasted.

Summer vacation is coming closer and closer, yet my concentration level is dropping like the temperature during winter. I have homework that's overdue and I'm often late to class.
Yeouch... Not sounding good to me...

That's a quick update on my situation right now.
I hope I'll remember to post here more often! xD

1st September Post: Crushes, New Friends, and Rivalries

2006-09-03T04:11:00.000+03:00

It's been a long time since I've written anything here... I've just been too tired.
Actually I'm tired now too, but I just felt like writing anyway.

Crushes... Okay, so 1 crush.

I met this Chinese guy. He's not just any guy...
He might be THE guy. You know?
Mr. Right?

He's very sweet, kind and quiet. He's also a real gentleman.
But like most of my crushes thus far, it crashed and burned out.
I even told him for us to be just friends, but that's after I went on a date with him and kissed him a couple of times.

I dunno... I follow my gut feeling.
It told me that I might not see him ever again and that's why I asked his number.
There's over 600km between us right now, and I feel guilty for feeling relieved.
He just... Couldn't understand, you know? There was this wall between us, at all times. It's because of language. He doesn't speak and understand English that well, but enough to manage in a foreign country.

He could've been Mr. Right, but then again... That's what I said about my ex.
Now I just gotta clear things up with the BOTH of them. My ex thinks we're still together. I seriously need to talk with him.

Moving on to New Friends...

I've got two new classmates. First is ZanZan and I've been hanging out with her almost every day. Emphasizing the ALMOST.
I'll talk about her more in Rivalries...

The second one is Tico. I only talked with him during one school day (which is approx. 2 hours). I found out that he was gay and that made me leech onto him immediately. He's such a nice person and fun to talk to. I don't feel as self-conscious as I usually do around guys...

Okay, and now Rivalries.

I'm seriously starting to hate my little sister's guts.
How dare she steal all my friends!? She's so f*cking dumb that she can't get her own friends. No! She has to befriend my friends and then steal them from me!
And I'm just tired... Even today I was supposed to go to Helsinki with the two of them, but Mitsu was being snippy and very rude towards me so I just told them that I wouldn't come with them.

Though I was friends with ZanZan first, I'm pushed aside every time we're in Helsinki. And I don't like that.
Even now Mitsu is at ZanZan's house, without permission, and I'm royally pissed at the two of them. Don't they understand that if they keep this up, we can't be friends with ZanZan anymore!!

I'd rather keep my friendship with her than lose it, since we're in the same class. It'd just be ackward if we'd not get along...

Enough of my angsting!

I saw my best friend today and I felt much better immediatelly. We played the piano (well, she pressed one key... XD) and started a cool new story with two people writing e-mail's to each other. Of course, like in all stories, there's going to be a twist but we haven't talked about that yet. We just started today.

But now I'm going to sleep.
Tomorrow.. Actually it's today... I'm going to Helsinki and meet up with ZanZan, Mitsu and Nemui. Nemui is also a friend, but I don't really know her that well yet. But I will write about her too, eventually.

Birthday Party

2006-08-13T04:47:00.000+03:00

My birthday is on April 4th, but we didn't have time to have a party then, because we were in the middle of moving. But now, three months later, we finally celebrated my birthday and my lil sister's birthday.

I got lovely presents and I love 'em all! I even saw my b-friend and he told me everything about his trip around Europe. I listened with interest at first, but as the hours passed and he drank more I started to ignore him and just say something appropriate at the right moments.

Anyway... It's 5 am and I seriously should be sleeping, but the adrenaline and caffeine is still flowing through my veins...

I love all my friends who came to celebrate with me and my sister. It made me so happy... Thank you.

The Ugly Duckling Series, chapter 2: Stalking no Jutsu

2006-08-12T00:38:00.000+03:00

Hahaa... Every time I write about the time I spend with Mirka in town will be named The Ugly Duckling Series, chapter #: something.
And this post is named "Stalking no Jutsu", which is Japanese (except the word "stalking") and means "The Art of Stalking".

*cracks up*

Whew... I had fun yesterday. I was out with Mirka, but this time it was just the two of us. We went to Helsinki and then just chilled, talking and laughing together. We were checking out Asian guys again, and Mirka kept telling me how annoyed she felt when guys came to flirt with her. I didn't pay much attention as my eyes were rapidly scanning the crowd for my victim. And then "BWAM!". I saw a group of hot Asian guys across the room. They weren't the same ones from last time *cries softly into pillow*, but they were hot. Mirka and I were sitting on a bench inside the railway station at the time when they came there. They had beer with them, but hadn't started drinking yet. I just kept watching them, averting my eyes when I stared too much.

And then they started leaving. I turned to Mirka and started mock panicking. While I was at it I didn't hear the "leader" of the gang say what Mirka said he did.

"Come with us."

When Mirka told me they'd said that I just stared at her wide eyed for a long moment. Then I started begging her for us to go after them (the guys hadn't stopped to wait inside). But Mirka and her boyfriend are having some problems in their relationship and thus she didn't want to take the risk. I tried to reason with her, but it didn't work. Almost got her to lift her butt off the bench, but no.

But everything's good now. A friend of Mirka's knows those guys and Mirka promised to ask her friend to introduce me to them. I can't wait!

Oh... And the Stalking no Jutsu- part came from my begging. Mirka said that the guys probably went to the near by park. And I was like "let's go there!", but she said that they'd think we were stalking them. And I think I frowned, saying " But if we go for a walk in the park... That's not stalking!", to which she said, "Probably not for you, but for them it is".

So I pouted.

But I'm happy now! Later today both Mitsura's and my b-day party will be held.
I hope at least someone shows up...

1st August Post: The Ugly Duckling Series, chapter 1: Sunday Adventure

2006-08-07T01:41:00.000+03:00

I had one of the best days of my life yesterday...

I spent the whole day with my lil sister and our friend Mirka, going to the capital city and checking out guys. Okay... So we were supposed to go to a café, but we never exactly found the damn place and everything was already closed by the time we'd arrived because it was about 4 pm when we got there, on a Sunday.

The only thing that might have been a bit depressing was the fact that I felt like an ugly duckling among two swans. My lil sis and our friend dress in a similar way and my lil sis had the balls to say "your clothes are mellow" to my face. Yeah, well guess what Mitsura? I don't like to dress like a diva, cause that's just not my style. I'll dress in my "mellow" clothes, cause I feel comfortable in them. I don't exactly want to attract attention to myself, because I've noticed older men (25-45) looking at me if I dress a bit more like them. So I'll just stick to my jeans and button downs, thank you very much!

So, I was the ugly duckling of the group. My lil sis tried to get away with saying she was the ugly duckling. I wasn't having any of that since she's a model. Nice smile, thin... Everything I'd want and she dares to call herself an ugly duckling... Makes me furious...

Dang it! Strayed from the point again. *sigh*

So, I was the ugly duckling, my lil sis the swan and then our friend got angry at us for arguing again and successfully ended it by saying,

"If you, Yuki, are an ugly duckling and you, Mitsura, are a swan... Then I'm Feenix."

We were cracking up after that and didn't argue for a long time (my sis and I argue a lot, many times a day).

As I said above, we never found the café, but we did find ourselves checking out guys. Mirka didn't participate that much, since she's already in a serious relationship, but we had fun.

I swear I almost fainted when this really hot group of Asian guys stopped near us. Yeah. I've got a thing for Asian guys (hmm... I don't find myself attracted to guys from other ethnic groups anymore. But that's only by looks. I find myself attracted to any guy if he has a good personality... :D).

And Mirka knows one of them. She knows the guy I totally have a crush on now! His name is Jari (a common Finnish name. I wonder what his Asian names is...) and he's 16. He's half Finnish and half Asian... And I don't know anything else. That's all Mirka knew. They're not exactly best friends or anything. Just say hi when they pass each other by. That stuff.

And I've rubbed off on my lil sis. She likes Asian guys now too, but I'm guessing that's because:

1. She doesn't like any other foreign guys (especially Arabic guys)
2. I've always loved Asians. Now she's just copying me like the lil sister she is... :P

I dunno. But I know the 1st one is a fact.

But... Ooh! I want to see that Jari guy again and next time I want Mirka to introduce me to him and I'd like to get to know him. If he's not interested in that way, then at least I want to be friends with him.

But it doesn't really matter if I'm lucky or not. I'm probably going to China and Japan at some point of my life (during or after my education) and then I'll have a better chance at meeting people and making new friends. And if I'm extra lucky, I could find my future husband there...

But you never know...

*cracks up*

My best friend called me yesterday evening and when I told her I had a crush on that Jari guy, she was like: "I'm going to become a nun, because there's already no chance for me to get a man."

Of course it was a joke, but...

Anme... You may literally bump into that special someone when you least expect it. That might happen tomorrow or in 20 years, but you will find him. And when you do...

I'll say: "I told you so".

Last Day of July: Manga, Manhwa and the Pain of Being a Woman

2006-07-31T22:50:00.000+03:00

No. It's not as bad as the title sounds. I'm not going to talk about my period. :P

I used up over 30€ today on manga and manhwa alone... But it felt great!

I'm not much of a person who likes to be around strangers, so I tend to stay at home and on my computer. At all times.
So anyway... Today I was in one of the biggest (and newest) shopping malls in Helsinki and just had to buy manga and manhwa. I almost bought YAOI manga, but decided against it at the last moment (because I really, really wanted to buy Naruto vol.1).

So... I bought Naruto vol. 1, K2 (Kill Me, Kiss Me) part 4, a calligraphy pen and something for my best friend. Her birthday was in the beginning of May, but I'm always like this. Late with everything...

So that covers up the manga and manhwa in the title of this post. And the pain of being a woman?

I had my legs waxed. It hurt like a b*tch! I'm afraid of fire/heat (mentioned in an older post) and the wax was friggin' hot! It felt like it was burning my skin, though my mum said it almost wasn't hot enough. I had to gag myself with a towel and bite down onto it every time she yanked the strips. And while she applied the wax I would whimper about it being too hot and hiss in pain.

I. Do. Not. Tolerate. Pain.

My mum works at a beauty salon type of place. So I was there.
I had gotten lost on the way to her work place and had laughed at myself on the phone with my best friend afterwards.

All in all, though I had my legs waxed, I had a good day.
No. Scratch that.

I had one of the best days in a long time!

And this is the last day of July. School will start on the 15th of next month!

Bleach and... Flying Nail Polish Removers?

2006-07-29T16:03:00.000+03:00

Yes... The title pretty much sums up my day.

I've started watching Bleach with my lil sister. She's even been kind enough to wait till the next day while I sleep at night... -_-
Now I understand why people are so into Bleach. It is a good anime.

... But I still like Naruto better.

And my lil sister also bleached her shoes... And nails... ^_^U

And speaking of nails... My sister threw a plastic bottle of nail polish remover at my head. And it wasn't a pitiful throw either...
I'll probably have a slight bruise on the corner of my left brow and on my shoulder where the bottle also connected.

Yes... My lil sister is violent... Very unfortunate for me.

But I'll live.

I Love My Mum

2006-07-20T03:34:00.000+03:00

My mum bought me and my lil sister drawing pads, markers and wooden coloring pencils.
My one has a picture of a tiger's head with snow on the background... It's cute.
I picked that one for myself and gave my sister the one with the killer whale on it. I don't exactly like whales, so...

Any way. We named her drawing pad "Free Willy". Surprise, surprise.

The reason why I'm writing here about this? Why the title is what it is?

I wrote names using katakana a couple of hours ago.
Okay... For those who don't know what katakana (and there for hiragana and kanji) are... I'm sorry to tell you, but I have a headache and am too tired to explain through roughly...

Katakana is one of the Japanese styles of writing.
There's an explanation for you.

Anyway... So I wrote names in katakana. They happened to be names from the anime Naruto, since I'd written them down sometime last month and was afraid I'd loose the papers I'd written them on (the three papers were the size of post-it notes).

And while I was copying them onto the A3 paper of the drawing pad with the new black marker I'd just gotten, I couldn't help but wish that I could write full sentences in Japanese and understand kanji. I understand about 10 different kanji and remember only half of them, if even that. I think there are over 2000 different kanji marks. I've got a long way ahead of me.

But thankfully my mother agreed to letting me take Japanese language courses! I'll be able to write, speak and understand Japanese better!
And then I can go to Japan as an exchange student, or if not there then China and learn Chinese and Korean at the same time. And my mum said all that would be okay, that we'd just have to gather the money.

I love my mum... ^^;;

And I'm also dead tired, so don't mind my stupid rambling.

I've just wasted a good couple of minutes of your life with this post...
And I'm not sorry! Nyah!

Haha. Sorry.
Oops! Dammit! XD

Slow Death

2006-07-16T11:02:00.000+03:00

I'm at my stepmum's place right now. This was the 2nd night.

As I suspected, I wasn't able to get on the computer yesterday because my siblings were hogging it. But now I just barged in, told them to move or get squashed, and then sat down and started writing.

So... The first night was okay, except the fact that I slept on the couch with a 9-year old girl who had a high fever. Of course she wasn't there when I started getting ready for sleep. She came there just as I was getting sleepy at 2 am, saying that her stomach ached. I just sighed and made room for her.

So it was about 3-4 am when I finally got to sleep, after giving the girl about 4 glasses of water and even holding back her hair as she tried to throw up. And the lovely thing was; I had to keep my feet on the coffee table, because the girl took up all the space otherwise. I'd placed the couch cushions onto the coffee table, so I just raised my feet on top of them.

Let's just say I couldn't feel my legs when I woke up... The night had been cold and I'd only had a small blanket to cover myself...

The second night went much smoother. I got to sleep on a bed (yes!)next to my lil sister (the 1½ year old). The night went smoothly, no interruptions. But.. That was not to last... (dun dun duu!)

Maybe my night went smoothly, but I had a horrible wake up call.

"Yuki! The baby pied on the floor! Come and change her diaper!"

Yes... I know that parents have to do that almost every day when they have children under the aged of 5. But I'm 16! I don't have children! And my oldest lil sister (the 15-to-be) was the one shouting for me to change the diaper. She doesn't like kids and says that she won't touch the baby. I think that's a harsh way to speak about your own sister, then again... I speak harshly about her...

Anyway.. So I ended up screaming at my oldest lil sister because she was so irresponsible and lazy that she couldn't even take the baby to the potty...
And that left me to wash the baby, diaper her and mop the floor. I was beyond pissed off...

And my mum had been out walking the dogs all that time. I yelled at her also for not waking me up or taking her phone with her. I yelled at her for leaving the baby with my oldest lil sister who, like I said, is very irresponsible.
And then I just told everyone to leave me alone and I came onto the computer.

It's a slow death when you stress yourself out by trying to keep an eye on a 1½ year old and do house work at the same time. It's an annoyingly slow death, when you watch your sister who's capable of fully helping you out just laze around doing nothing.

Now I'm leaving, because I have a feeling that my mum will soon come to ask me to take the baby outside...

Rain Outside My Window Pouring Down

2006-07-14T03:41:00.000+03:00

The tittle for this post is of course from Craig David's "Don't Love You No More (I'm Sorry)".

It's raining outside and the chorus just popped into my head:

"Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more"

I should be sleeping, again, but I just don't feel tired. Yet.

I'll regret staying up this late when we're waking up and going to my stepmum's house in 3 hours. And I haven't packed so... Yeah.

I'm expecting a tiresome time there. We'll probably spend the whole weekend there (we being my lil sister, mum and I) since my stepmum and her husband are going to Estonia for a couple of days and didn't want to take the kids with them.

I have no problem with seeing my step siblings (2 lil brothers aged 10 and 5, 1 lil sister aged 1 1/2) but all the hastle gets me all stressed. I don't do stress. I don't think anyone likes it that much...

And I expect my lil sister (aged 15-to-be) to be all over my boyfriend's lil brother (16, my age). My boyfriend (19-to-be) is currently somewhere in Europe and I'm kinda pissed off at him for not calling me before he left. Oh well... We're not that serious anyway... But I will have fun chewing his head off for that one!

I remember a very (un)funny night trying to sleep in the same bed with my sister and my bf's lil brother. They were both drunk and kept on asking if I'd go to another bed, but I refused to budge. So they decided that it was a great idea for all of us to lay on the same bed. I didn't protest at first, but after a few hours it kinda grew old... Anyway. The funny thing (that I love to bring up with my sister from time to time) is that at some point they started flirting with each other and that flirting consisted of:

"I can be a naughty boy."

"I can be a naughty girl, too."

And:

"Ooh... you touch my tra-la-laa."

"Ah... My ding-ding-dong."

(From Günther Levi's "Ding Dong Song")

I keep reminding my sister of the 2nd one. The look on her face each time I remind her is priceless!

But now I'm getting tired so I'll end this post here. I'll probably post something while I'm at my stepmum's. If my lil sister or brother let me on the computer for just a few minutes. They're complete computer hogs...

Oh. By the way...

It's stopped raining.

Dream

2006-07-13T16:15:00.000+03:00

I had a weird dream last night... It was more of a nightmare, I guess.

It was winter and I was at my best friend's house, in the kitchen. I don't remember what we were doing exactly but I think we were cooking. I've only seen my best friend cook using a pan once. Ever.

Anyway...

I told my friend to be careful, so that the food won't catch fire. She was like, "yeah, yeah", but I'm very careful when I cook. That's because I'm afraid of fire and heat.

Somehow, my friend managed to set the food on fire and for some reason we didn't put it out. We just panicked and ran from the kitchen, closing the door behind us. We called our country's emergency number and handing the phone to my friend, so that she could give them the address.

I remember feeling blind panic rush over me at the sight of the flames that were started to lick from above and under the kitchen door. I yelled for my friend to save something, anything, and then go to the balcony. I, myself, grabbed my bag, papers and note books I write stories into and followed my friend to the balcony.

The thing is... My friend doesn't have a balcony. She lives in an old house on top of a hill, but in my dream she lived in an appartment building. She lived on the second floor.

Somehow the fire department and ambulance and whatnot had arrived already and were telling us to jump down onto a pile of snow. The pile was huge, but the jump down was too long for me. I'm scared of heights, so I just froze. Again.

My friend shouted over the railing to the guys that I couldn't jump because of my fright. Then I saw her climb over the railing and say good bye to me, jumping down onto the pile of snow.

I remember the feeling of being abandoned. Like she'd have left me to die alone. But then there was a guy with a blow horn saying that I would be saved and I had nothing to worry about.

But no one came. I remember feeling the heat of the flames on my back as I stumbled to the railing and looked down. The distance down almost made me sick. And I knew I couldn't jump. I remember crying as I held onto the railing, eyes squeezed shut to block out the world.

Two of my fears, fire/heat and heights, and I couldn't pick which was greater.

Thankfully I woke up before anything happened to me. The dream was weird and felt very real. I just hope I'll never see it again...

1st Post

2006-07-12T04:56:00.000+03:00

Hmm... I got a new account, 'cause I forgot my username and password for my old one. Maybe that's for the best...

I don't have anything serious to write about. This is the 1st post... Maybe I'll come up with something...
But then again, I don't want to write about anything serious. Because serious usually means boring or depressing. I don't want that...

Why did I choose this name for my blog?

Maybe, because I'm really not the one that you want. Or maybe because it's a song by Lin JJ (Lin Jun Jie), who is one of my favorite artists right now.

I'm betting on the 2nd one though...

Hmm... I don't think that many people will read this post or the others that will hopefully come after this one... But I don't really care. They're not really missing out on anything, so why bother?

It's 4:56 am and I should be sleeping. A bit too much Coca Cola to drink and extreme boredom may cause you to get an account in Blogspot and write something extremely boring. You have been warned...

But now, since I clearly need some sleep to get my brain working again, I'll end this post.

Surprised?